I wanted to break down these journals down into a couple blogs. It has been a month and a half, a lot has happened and I want to make sure I get it all down.
10/13/2012 - "[During our week on Hearing God's Voice, our speaker, Christian Foxx, spent many hours praying over us months before speaking and felt God speak to him. He wrote down what God told him and passed it on to us. This is what Foxx got for me]: 'You are a leader. But what are you leading people to do? John says our words have the power over life or death. Will you lead people to life or down the road of death. Jonathan [other speaker] saw a picture of your head and noticed your ears were growing. Asked the Lord what that meant and He said He's increasing my ability to recognize and hear God's voice. He wants to show me His true nature because He was misrepresented. He wants to show me His Father's heart. I saw the word Father clearly for me.'
I'm not sure what to make of a couple of the parts. Not feeling like leader is one. Struggling to hear God's voice is another. I really didn't understand what he meant when he was talking about when he said God was misinterpreted in my life. One night I just grew incredibly frustrated about it and began venting to a friend. I grew up in a church. I grew up in a Christian home. I am a Christian. I know all the bible stories. Who is he [speaker] to say I don't know God? Then I realized it was my pride. My pride had put God in a box. I thought I knew who God was. God gave me this image the other night of the earth. It shrank down till I couldn't see it. Then the the sun appeared. The sun slowly shrank as my viewpoint panned out. Soon the galaxy slowly shrank down till it was only the universe. I saw millions of galaxies. But it didn't stop there. Slowly the universe shrank to the size of my fist and then Heavens surrounded it. God said in my mind, 'I am bigger than all this.'
I was floored. It completely blew my mind. I was humbled beyond belief. I also realized I thought I was independent; to an unhealthy level. I would push people and their help away because I considered that 'my job'. I wouldn't want to accept money or anything that would benefit me because I had always provided for myself. God showed me how wrong I was. In being prideful and independent I wasn't depending on Him. I'm growing still but slowly God is breaking me done and building me up for His Kingdom."
10/24/2012 - "In lecture the other day, people were praying for one another who were dealing with very specific issues. I wasn't struggling with any of those things so I was sitting in the back and praying to myself. A friend of mine came up to me and said he felt that God wanted him to pray for me. He asked if I was dealing with anything that needed prayer for. I was a little bewildered, I couldn't think of anything at all and said I didn't know. He prayed over me anyways and then left. Five minutes later, another friend came up to me and said the same thing, they felt God wanted them to pray for me. By now I was a little ruffled, I had no idea what they were talking about. I wasn't dealing with anything. Thirty minutes later at lunch, I was telling a friend about what happened and she looked up at me and said, 'Ironically, I woke up last night and felt the need to pray for you.' At this point I was pretty flabbergasted. I was like this is ridiculous, so I went to the prayer room and was like okay God, what do you want to tell me?
Ephesians 5 and Philippians 2 popped into my head. I turned to the first one, but without realizing it turned to Galatians 5. Verse 5:15 sprung out at me, 'If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.' I was like huh, that's pretty intense. Then I realized I was in the wrong book and turned to Ephesians, but while reading it I glanced over at the page on the other side. 4:29 leaped off the page and grabbed my attention. 'Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.' Philippians 2:14 also said, 'Do everything without complaining or arguing.' Everything I read revolved around my tongue. It is something I struggle with tremendously. Even in a joking manner, I must resist the urge to tear someone down. Matthew 15:18 says, 'but the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these things make a man unclean.' This is what I am going to strive for."
10/26/2012 - "During worship tonight, I was really struggling with hearing God's voice; fearing I had lost the ability. A friend came up to me and said, 'don't worry,' and walked away. There is this leader who is speaking on the Holy Spirit and the Trinity. She has the spiritual gift of hearing God's voice in a powerful and clear manner and then relaying it to the people it relates to. She is pretty much a spiritual mail man. So she came up to me during worship and laid her hand over my heart and this is what she said, 'God does not see you as vain. You are not a vain person. You have been woven so specifically full of energy. People will see you walking down the road and say, that's a normal looking guy and will be shocked that you're a Christian. Then she shocked me. She said, 'it's okay to have a cigar every now and then. He doesn't want a behavior modification he wants your heart. All he wants is for you to sit in His lap so He can enjoy how He made you and carefully designed you. And then He'll listen to your requests."
Before I go into this story, it is very similar to what happened in Acts 2 where the Holy Spirit came upon the disciples at Pentecost.
10/27/2012 - "Today we were baptized in the Holy Spirit. We all repented of our sins and then waited on God. I suddenly started praying for people. They would pop into my head, smiling and I would ask God to walk with them through their struggles. But my prayers were different than normal. I began speaking faster and faster until my words were almost a blur. As soon as I finished praying for them, they would disappear and a new person would pop into my head. If I stopped praying and that image stayed in my head I'd keep praying and then it'd disappear to be replaced with a new person.
Then a picture of an old tree burned itself in my mind. I would open and then close my eyes but the image remained. It was a massive tree, very old, with thick, white bark, branches lifted up to the sky. My body went numb and I, without realizing it had my arms outstretched. From my finger tips to my elbow, the best word I can use to describe the feeling was wooden. I had this feeling that I must not move my feet; they had to remain planted. A wind came in through the building we were staying in and my upper body started swaying back and forth. I felt God say, 'open your eyes.' So I did and all around me I saw people lying down on their backs or kneeling down, praising God. I have no idea what that represented, but God will reveal it in due time.
While I was seeing and feeling these things, a friend felt God leading him to pray for me. When he laid his hands on my head, he saw an image of my heart pulsing that appeared to be splintered like rough bark. But then slowly it began to smooth over until all the splinters were gone. He had no idea what I was seeing while he prayed over me.
After that I had something between a vision and my imagination on steroids. I saw myself in a field of yellow daises as far as the eyes can see, so dense you couldn't see the ground. I looked the same as I am now, but I felt like a small child on the inside. Not in a bad way, just a child. I was leaping and spinning as I ran through the field, when I spotted a cliff side. I sprinted towards it full tilt where I threw myself off the edge. Laughter burst from my mouth as I hurled through the sky straight towards the sea below; feeling no fear, just excitement and joy. I hit the water and began swimming. All of a sudden, massive sea turtles appeared and began swimming besides me. I felt no need for air as we swam around each other in the depths of the ocean. My heart leaped into my throat when out of the depths rose a massive castle. Th only way I can describe the way it looked was a sea castle from the Little Mermaid. It radiated light. I swam into the castle and saw a majestic throne in this massive hall. God sat on the throne. I looked up at Him and feeling like a child, 'can I sit in your lap?' He looked at me and said yes. I curled up on His lap and just sat there enjoying His presence. After a while I got down and asked, 'can I dance for you?' Once again He said yes. Time went by and I stopped and got back into His lap and just enjoyed His presence.
I opened my eyes and walked out of the lecture hall, shocked. I had never experienced anything like that at all. I didn't know what to make out of any of it. God had spoken to me in a deep and personal way that I didn't know was possible."
God has rocked my world in ways I did not believe possible. The things I saw and experienced I did not think God still did. My life has been forever changed.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Hearing God's Voice: Part 1
This is my testimony. I am very hesitant writing about any of this. God is not the cookie cutter God I thought He was. Reading through my journal entries, I see how insane it all sounds and I know people may not understand. There are two opinions: either I am a liar and made up every single story I am about to tell, or it actually happened. I have spent hours upon hours of praying, hours and hours of meditating and shifting through Scriptures to make sure what I experienced was not heresy or my own imagination. Being in a secluded area for months on end with the solo purpose of learning who God is, God is going to make Himself known in some pretty wild ways. But each instance lines up with the character of God. But we tend to not see God as an Unchanging God who speaks to us to this day like He did in the Old Testament. That is my disclaimer before you read on.
So much has happened I hardly know where to start. I came here to this DTS thinking I knew what it was to be a Christian. How wrong I was. I called myself a Christian, but I never actually lived as one. My lifestyle was a joke, you would have never been able to tell I had a relationship with God. Sure, all my friends knew I followed God and I had a few morals in place, but my actions and words did not glorify God's Name.
I am going to try to sum up as much as my experience here as I can. Here are excerpts from my journal since I began this wild journey of learning what it really means to be a Christ follower:
9/22/2012 - "I've been restless. I know I'm supposed to do something with my life, but I don't know what it is. I've always had a heart for the homeless and want to do work in Seattle. One of the leaders at YWAM was speaking about reaching the unreached people groups; people that have never heard who Jesus Christ is. A thought blasted through my head as she spoke - become homeless to reach the homeless. My reaction was NONONONONONNONONONONOOOOO!!! I struggled with that thought all through worship that night. I didn't want to become homeless, that sounded terrible. Nobody wants to do that. I was approached by a leader afterwards who asked to pray with me. I had not mentioned these thoughts to anyone and he prayed that God would be known in my thoughts. I was a little bit startled, was I making these thoughts up or was God somehow trying to tell me something? I finally blurted out what happened to him. The leader told me to just wait. He said to store it away in my head. God is going to be giving me a lot of information that I won't act on at this moment but will tell me when the correct time is to put it into action."
9/24/2012 - "Sitting on the porch during quite time, one of my roommates looked up from his Bible and looked at me and out of the blue said, 'what do you need?' I was silent for a few minutes before a torrent of words just spilled out. I felt like I was running in circles and lost. I felt like I was seeking but not finding. He listened and when I finally ran out of words asked if I had received the Holy Spirit. I looked at him a little confused and was like uhh, yeah I was baptized when I was fourteen. He rephrased his question and asked if I had been baptized by the Spirit not just water. He explained what he meant and then asked if I wanted to receive the Holy Spirit. I said yes and I prayed aloud that I wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit because I felt disconnected from God. A huge burden was lifted off my chest in that second and a sense of peace filled me. Now I felt like I stopped running and turned around to realize God was behind me the whole time."
10/7/2012 - "We had a lecture on hearing God's voice. First we went out on our own to do the five steps. [To clarify, the topic that week was How to Hear God's Voice and there was a guideline to follow to best prepare our hearts to hear God. Now an important thing to note, it is not something to follow religiously, you do not have to do these steps to hear God's voice. Here are the five steps: (1) Ask for forgiveness of sins, you need a clean heart to come before God. (2) Ask for God to filter anything that is not of Him out of your mind, so if anything comes into your mind you can recognize it as God. Another thing to realize God won't always answer you, He isn't a figure eight ball who we can shake, ask a question and receive an answer. If He feels like we need to know something He will tell us when He is ready. (3) Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts. (4) Resist the Devil, rebuke him and the distracts he will try to bring to you. and finally, (5) be quite and listen. There are different ways to hear God's voice. When I say hearing God's voice I do not necessarily mean audibly. Here are a few different ways God may speak to a person: Through the Bible, through your mind (inner voice), praying and feeling peace about a certain matter, visions (seeing a movie or picture while your eyes are open), dreams (while asleep), hear through other people, creation and the audible voice of God. But do not limit God to only these ways. God is a God of creativity and He may to choose to speak to you in any way He pleases. Anyways back to my story...]
First we went out on our own and did the five steps. I climbed up into this tree to listen for God. I heard God in the wind [creation] after feeling the breeze and sensing God's presence in it, a thought popped into my head, 'I'm here. I'm your comfort.' Then I sat there in the tree and a big gust of wind blew through the tree and it swayed back and forth with me in it. The thought, 'I'm your foundation,' popped into my head again. Listening yet again, the chirping of the birds got super loud and the thought, 'I'm your joy,' sprang into my head yet again. Then the sun got really hot but a cool wind blew over me and I felt at ease. He said he's watching out for me.
After we all regrouped, they had us split into groups and focus on a person in that group and ask God for a word for them. When my turn came a few things happened. Person 1 said she saw me running through a massive stadium. The lights turned on but there was no audience. I was cheering and dancing, celebrating in victory; even though there was no one to see it. She said I do things unseen for God's glory. Person 2 said outwardly I am a guy who focuses on the lighthearted stuff, jokes etc. But underneath I am compassionate, kind, humble and have a heart for people. Person 3 said he saw a punching bag, like I was fighting but to no avail.
The last thing we did was stand in two lines facing each other. One line would close their eyes and the other line would rearrange and be in front of a different person. The person with their eyes closed wouldn't know who was in front of them. The line who rearranged would pray and ask God what they wanted to tell the person in front of them. So when it was my turn my friend opened his eyes he looked at me. All he said was, 'division.' I was like ooookay...? What does that mean? He explained he saw an image of me filled up with light but a line of darkness went down the center of me, separating the light. Instantly I knew what that darkness was.
It was my computer. Doesn't sound like much, but my computer consumed my life. I had well over six thousand hours in one game alone. It was holding me back from fully embracing God. I wrestled with that for days back and forth. During worship one night a guy I really didn't know came up to me and said, 'God told me to tell you, let go of what needs to be let go of,' and then walked away. Later that night my close friend came over and said, 'I think you need to get rid of your computer as soon as you can. You'll grow so much more with God if you do.'
So I gave it up. Sent a text to my parents asking them to sell it. Ever since than a tremendous burden lifted off my chest and God has continued to speak to me, completely changing my life.
So much has happened I hardly know where to start. I came here to this DTS thinking I knew what it was to be a Christian. How wrong I was. I called myself a Christian, but I never actually lived as one. My lifestyle was a joke, you would have never been able to tell I had a relationship with God. Sure, all my friends knew I followed God and I had a few morals in place, but my actions and words did not glorify God's Name.
I am going to try to sum up as much as my experience here as I can. Here are excerpts from my journal since I began this wild journey of learning what it really means to be a Christ follower:
9/22/2012 - "I've been restless. I know I'm supposed to do something with my life, but I don't know what it is. I've always had a heart for the homeless and want to do work in Seattle. One of the leaders at YWAM was speaking about reaching the unreached people groups; people that have never heard who Jesus Christ is. A thought blasted through my head as she spoke - become homeless to reach the homeless. My reaction was NONONONONONNONONONONOOOOO!!! I struggled with that thought all through worship that night. I didn't want to become homeless, that sounded terrible. Nobody wants to do that. I was approached by a leader afterwards who asked to pray with me. I had not mentioned these thoughts to anyone and he prayed that God would be known in my thoughts. I was a little bit startled, was I making these thoughts up or was God somehow trying to tell me something? I finally blurted out what happened to him. The leader told me to just wait. He said to store it away in my head. God is going to be giving me a lot of information that I won't act on at this moment but will tell me when the correct time is to put it into action."
9/24/2012 - "Sitting on the porch during quite time, one of my roommates looked up from his Bible and looked at me and out of the blue said, 'what do you need?' I was silent for a few minutes before a torrent of words just spilled out. I felt like I was running in circles and lost. I felt like I was seeking but not finding. He listened and when I finally ran out of words asked if I had received the Holy Spirit. I looked at him a little confused and was like uhh, yeah I was baptized when I was fourteen. He rephrased his question and asked if I had been baptized by the Spirit not just water. He explained what he meant and then asked if I wanted to receive the Holy Spirit. I said yes and I prayed aloud that I wanted to be filled with the Holy Spirit because I felt disconnected from God. A huge burden was lifted off my chest in that second and a sense of peace filled me. Now I felt like I stopped running and turned around to realize God was behind me the whole time."
10/7/2012 - "We had a lecture on hearing God's voice. First we went out on our own to do the five steps. [To clarify, the topic that week was How to Hear God's Voice and there was a guideline to follow to best prepare our hearts to hear God. Now an important thing to note, it is not something to follow religiously, you do not have to do these steps to hear God's voice. Here are the five steps: (1) Ask for forgiveness of sins, you need a clean heart to come before God. (2) Ask for God to filter anything that is not of Him out of your mind, so if anything comes into your mind you can recognize it as God. Another thing to realize God won't always answer you, He isn't a figure eight ball who we can shake, ask a question and receive an answer. If He feels like we need to know something He will tell us when He is ready. (3) Ask the Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts. (4) Resist the Devil, rebuke him and the distracts he will try to bring to you. and finally, (5) be quite and listen. There are different ways to hear God's voice. When I say hearing God's voice I do not necessarily mean audibly. Here are a few different ways God may speak to a person: Through the Bible, through your mind (inner voice), praying and feeling peace about a certain matter, visions (seeing a movie or picture while your eyes are open), dreams (while asleep), hear through other people, creation and the audible voice of God. But do not limit God to only these ways. God is a God of creativity and He may to choose to speak to you in any way He pleases. Anyways back to my story...]
First we went out on our own and did the five steps. I climbed up into this tree to listen for God. I heard God in the wind [creation] after feeling the breeze and sensing God's presence in it, a thought popped into my head, 'I'm here. I'm your comfort.' Then I sat there in the tree and a big gust of wind blew through the tree and it swayed back and forth with me in it. The thought, 'I'm your foundation,' popped into my head again. Listening yet again, the chirping of the birds got super loud and the thought, 'I'm your joy,' sprang into my head yet again. Then the sun got really hot but a cool wind blew over me and I felt at ease. He said he's watching out for me.
After we all regrouped, they had us split into groups and focus on a person in that group and ask God for a word for them. When my turn came a few things happened. Person 1 said she saw me running through a massive stadium. The lights turned on but there was no audience. I was cheering and dancing, celebrating in victory; even though there was no one to see it. She said I do things unseen for God's glory. Person 2 said outwardly I am a guy who focuses on the lighthearted stuff, jokes etc. But underneath I am compassionate, kind, humble and have a heart for people. Person 3 said he saw a punching bag, like I was fighting but to no avail.
The last thing we did was stand in two lines facing each other. One line would close their eyes and the other line would rearrange and be in front of a different person. The person with their eyes closed wouldn't know who was in front of them. The line who rearranged would pray and ask God what they wanted to tell the person in front of them. So when it was my turn my friend opened his eyes he looked at me. All he said was, 'division.' I was like ooookay...? What does that mean? He explained he saw an image of me filled up with light but a line of darkness went down the center of me, separating the light. Instantly I knew what that darkness was.
It was my computer. Doesn't sound like much, but my computer consumed my life. I had well over six thousand hours in one game alone. It was holding me back from fully embracing God. I wrestled with that for days back and forth. During worship one night a guy I really didn't know came up to me and said, 'God told me to tell you, let go of what needs to be let go of,' and then walked away. Later that night my close friend came over and said, 'I think you need to get rid of your computer as soon as you can. You'll grow so much more with God if you do.'
So I gave it up. Sent a text to my parents asking them to sell it. Ever since than a tremendous burden lifted off my chest and God has continued to speak to me, completely changing my life.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Vacation or Transformation?
Where to begin.
A month and a half into my Youth With A Mission Disciple Training Session, most commonly known as YWAM DTS, my life has been completely "wrecked" by God. I am going to be honest here, one of the only reasons I decided to join a DTS was because I knew one was in Honolulu, Hawaii. All I wanted was a vacation in the world's most beautiful spot and I would not have to work for six months. I had the money saved up from working all year so I figured it was as good as time as any. Little did I know what was going to be in store for me when I waved goodbye to my family as I walked towards the airport terminal.
When I told people I was going to Hawaii for training I heard the sarcastic remarks about how I would "suffer" over there. Beaches, waves, sun, sounds like the life. But what people do not realize is that we are living in community with 42 people; twenty-five grown adult men in one room, three toilets, three showers, bunk beds close enough to jump across one to the other. Two cubby holes for all your personal clothes, books, notebooks and supplies for three months. Cockroaches, geckos, cane spiders, centipedes, rats, mice, toads and bloodsucking bugs invade our home on a regular basis. Rice is a staple food here. Personalities clash. Smells of twenty-five men in one room assault your nostrils.
But the presence of God is here, and the Holy Spirit runs rampant through the base. Never had I met total strangers from all across the world and found such incredibly strong friendships then here. Every story imaginable has been told among us. Stories of people who were drug dealers, or into drugs themselves, alcohol, sexually molested as children. From broken homes of divorce, parent abandonment. People who never graduated high school, others who have been to universities studying to be lawyers. Most people here have nothing in common. Except for one thing:
We want to know God on a personal level.
Each day here is different. We have a variation of lectures, worship, intercession (praying over a specific topic), work duties, and outreaches. Outreaches are ministries we are involved in once a week. I go to the University of Hawaii and tell students there who Jesus is and pray for students. The other two outreaches go down to Waikiki beach and inner city and talk to the homeless. Each week we have a different speaker who comes and speaks to us on a topic. We have learned about Servant Leadership, Spiritual Warfare, How to hear the voice of God, Kingdom Sexuality, Discipleship, The Holy Trinity and Justice Waters. Each week is packed with knowledge and information meant to teach us more about who Jesus is and how to walk as He did in the world we live in today.
I can not forget to mention the weekends. We have Saturday/Sunday free, so being college age students in Honolulu, Hawaii we take advantage of that to the fullest. Weekends are full of bus rides to the beaches of Hawaii, boogie boarding, body boarding, hot tub hopping, spear fishing, longboarding, snorkeling, shopping, eating out, hiking, volleyball and Frisbee.
But just as often we sit around the base and talk about what God is teaching us. To be honest, I enjoy that just as much, if not more than all the things listed above. There is something about discussing what God is doing in someones life that sends a thrill of excitement through my body. God is a Living and Unchangeable God who loves us where we are at in life. We do not need to change our life and then go to God to be in a relationship with Him. He wants us to say, Father, I am broken and imperfect but you love me and want me to accept you as my Lord and Savior. From there God will meet you where you are at and your life will forever be changed.
I have not even touched on what God has done in my life personally but I will get to that. I will leave you with this, God is more than I have ever experienced and my life has been radically transformed.
A month and a half into my Youth With A Mission Disciple Training Session, most commonly known as YWAM DTS, my life has been completely "wrecked" by God. I am going to be honest here, one of the only reasons I decided to join a DTS was because I knew one was in Honolulu, Hawaii. All I wanted was a vacation in the world's most beautiful spot and I would not have to work for six months. I had the money saved up from working all year so I figured it was as good as time as any. Little did I know what was going to be in store for me when I waved goodbye to my family as I walked towards the airport terminal.
When I told people I was going to Hawaii for training I heard the sarcastic remarks about how I would "suffer" over there. Beaches, waves, sun, sounds like the life. But what people do not realize is that we are living in community with 42 people; twenty-five grown adult men in one room, three toilets, three showers, bunk beds close enough to jump across one to the other. Two cubby holes for all your personal clothes, books, notebooks and supplies for three months. Cockroaches, geckos, cane spiders, centipedes, rats, mice, toads and bloodsucking bugs invade our home on a regular basis. Rice is a staple food here. Personalities clash. Smells of twenty-five men in one room assault your nostrils.
But the presence of God is here, and the Holy Spirit runs rampant through the base. Never had I met total strangers from all across the world and found such incredibly strong friendships then here. Every story imaginable has been told among us. Stories of people who were drug dealers, or into drugs themselves, alcohol, sexually molested as children. From broken homes of divorce, parent abandonment. People who never graduated high school, others who have been to universities studying to be lawyers. Most people here have nothing in common. Except for one thing:
We want to know God on a personal level.
Each day here is different. We have a variation of lectures, worship, intercession (praying over a specific topic), work duties, and outreaches. Outreaches are ministries we are involved in once a week. I go to the University of Hawaii and tell students there who Jesus is and pray for students. The other two outreaches go down to Waikiki beach and inner city and talk to the homeless. Each week we have a different speaker who comes and speaks to us on a topic. We have learned about Servant Leadership, Spiritual Warfare, How to hear the voice of God, Kingdom Sexuality, Discipleship, The Holy Trinity and Justice Waters. Each week is packed with knowledge and information meant to teach us more about who Jesus is and how to walk as He did in the world we live in today.
I can not forget to mention the weekends. We have Saturday/Sunday free, so being college age students in Honolulu, Hawaii we take advantage of that to the fullest. Weekends are full of bus rides to the beaches of Hawaii, boogie boarding, body boarding, hot tub hopping, spear fishing, longboarding, snorkeling, shopping, eating out, hiking, volleyball and Frisbee.
But just as often we sit around the base and talk about what God is teaching us. To be honest, I enjoy that just as much, if not more than all the things listed above. There is something about discussing what God is doing in someones life that sends a thrill of excitement through my body. God is a Living and Unchangeable God who loves us where we are at in life. We do not need to change our life and then go to God to be in a relationship with Him. He wants us to say, Father, I am broken and imperfect but you love me and want me to accept you as my Lord and Savior. From there God will meet you where you are at and your life will forever be changed.
I have not even touched on what God has done in my life personally but I will get to that. I will leave you with this, God is more than I have ever experienced and my life has been radically transformed.
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